Mutant Tricks
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Mistakes and misdirections abound when Pyro decides to entertain the Acolytes.


**Mutant Tricks**

"Stupid Firebug," Sabertooth cursed as he rummaged through the refrigerator. "He just had to incinerate the rec room again. Now there's nothing around here to do!"

"Speak for yourself," Mastermind groaned laying his head on the kitchen counter. "I plan to spend the next week or so just trying to recover from the whole ordeal. And what do you mean by **again**?"

"Eh, the Firebug tends to go on a burning spree every so often," Sabertooth munched from a jar of pickled herring. "We manage to limit it to happening only once every few weeks."

"Great," Mastermind moaned and banged his head on the counter.

"At least it gets all the energy out of his system," Sabertooth finished off the pickled herring and tossed the empty jar into the sink. "He shouldn't come up with anything too crazy for while."

"Hello," Piotr stuck his head into the kitchen. "You two are invited to come to Storage Room Six. Pyro is putting on a magic show for us."

"You were saying?" Mastermind gave Sabertooth a look.

"Me and my big mouth," Sabertooth groaned. "Oh, what the heck." He headed for the door.

"You're actually going to see it?" Mastermind blinked in surprise.

"Why not? There's nothing else to do around here," Sabertooth grunted. "Maybe we'll get lucky and the Firebug will make himself disappear. Permanently!"

"We can only hope," Mastermind sighed and reluctantly followed after him.

"This should be interesting," Piotr commented as they made their way down the hallway. "I have never seen a real magic show."

"Odds are you still won't," Sabertooth quipped entering the storage room.

"Hey there _hommes_," Remy casually waved at them from his seat. A row of chairs was positioned in a cleared out section of the room in front of a small, makeshift stage. "Ready to see the show?"

"No, since my healing factor prevents me from getting drunk," Sabertooth growled.

"Why bother to get drunk? Viewing this is sure to cause more brain damage than consuming any amount of alcohol," Mastermind muttered taking a seat.

"Hey, lighten up Masty," Remy said. "Even if Pyro's act is a flop we'll probably get a good laugh or two out of it. Magic is all about illusions."

"Really? Oh joy of joys," Mastermind deadpanned. "Like I have no experience with **those**!"

"G'day mates!" Pyro strode onto the stage wearing a red cape, top hat and a bright smile on his face. "Prepared to be bewildered and amazed by the prestidigitation talents of the Great and Magnificent Pyro!"

"Oh brother. And I thought the Cajun had an ego," Sabertooth grunted. "I don't even want to know why the Firebug is on a magic kick."

"Oh, I just decided to try my hands at it again," Pyro grinned overhearing him. "I went through a brief magic stint when I was a tyke. I needed something to do after the cops came by and took away my lawn mower after the honey and petting zoo incident."

"He tells us anyway," Sabertooth groaned.

"My fascist parents even gave their rare stamp of approval toward my magic activities," Pyro went on. "One time they helped me with a trick by tying me up with duct tape and locking me in a steamer trunk."

"Oh dear," Piotr moaned.

"They also ended up throwing the trunk inside a freezer and welding it shut before dumping the whole lot in the ocean," Pyro continued. "Which is kinda weird since I never told them to add those bits as part of the trick."

"Imagine that," Remy rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, the freezer was soon picked up by a passing fishing boat and the crew went and pried me out," Pyro went on with the story. "Good thing I kept a couple oxygen bottles on me because by the time they did the air was really thin and I was still working on getting out of the steamer trunk."

"If only he had stayed there," Sabertooth groaned.

"Honey and petting zoo incident?" Mastermind blinked.

"Trust me," Remy warned him. "You don't want to know."

"O-kay," Mastermind wisely decided not to pursue the issue. "Let's get this act over with before more of my brain cells shrivel up and die."

"Whatever you say, mate," Pyro grinned and swooshed his cape around. "On with the show!"

"Whoopie," Sabertooth snorted while Piotr clapped politely.

Pyro smiled and dramatically pulled a deck of cards out of his pocket. "For my first trick, I take an ordinary deck of playing cards and..."

"The first three are marked, several are double sided, the last few have coins stuck to them, you have duplicate cards inside your sleeves and collar, half the deck is composed of flash paper and there are concealed mirrors on the floor and back wall," Remy listed off immediately.

"Uh," Pyro blinked. "Right."

"Wow. How did you know that?" Piotr asked.

"Hey, I know all the tricks _homme_," Remy grinned and wiggled his fingers. "Especially those that deal with cards and sleight of hand."

"Well this show is off to a roaring start, isn't it?" Sabertooth mocked.

"Too bad it can't be turned off," Mastermind sighed.

"Oh well. Moving on," Pyro pulled out a lighter and quickly reduced the deck to ashes. "For my next trick, I need the audience to provide a volunteer!"

"More like a sacrifice," Sabertooth muttered.

"I will volunteer," Piotr raised his hand.

"Thanks Colossus!" Pyro smiled as Piotr stepped onto the stage. "Just stand here."

"Okay," Piotr did so.

"Great!" Pyro turned back towards the audience. "Now, watch as before your very eyes I will transform this bloke into..."

"Let me guess, metal?" Remy ventured.

"Nope," Pyro shook his head. "A wholesome bar of soap!"

"Soap?" Piotr repeated.

"I simply lower the curtain like so," Pyro grinned as a large curtain fell from ceiling, hiding Piotr from view. "And on the count of three. One...two..."

CRASH!

WHOOOSSSHH!

"AAAHHHHHH!"

BANG!

POOF!

"Ta da!" Pyro drew back the curtain to reveal an eight foot tall bar of soap. "Thank you! Thank you!"

"Oh please," Sabertooth snorted at the sight. "You call that a trick?"

"Well, it's not that bad," Remy commented. "So, where's Piotr?"

SMASH!

The giant bar of soap broke apart revealing a disoriented Piotr inside. "Ohhh, my head."

"Hey, you're not supposed to break your way out yet!" Pyro snapped. "Wait till I announce that I will change the soap back to you!"

"Oooh, sorry," Piotr warbled as he stumbled back to his seat.

"That was almost a not-completely-horrible-mutilated trick," Mastermind said. "Except for the beginning, end and all the parts in between."

"No kidding," Sabertooth grunted. "Even the Runt could execute a better trick than that!"

"And now," Pyro smiled and raised the curtain once again. "For my next trick I need another brave volunteer from the audience!"

"Brave, huh?" Remy smirked. "Well that rules Sabes out,"

"What?" Sabertooth glared at him. "Are you calling me a coward?"

"The fact you aren't making your way next to Pyro speaks for itself," Remy taunted.

"Grrr, fine!" Sabertooth growled and stomped onto the stage. "Let's get this over with!"

"Yay!" Pyro chirped and disappeared behind a tall storage rack. He came back wheeling a large decorated crate and opened the front of it. "Please step inside!"

"Whatever," Sabertooth did so.

"Great!" Pyro smiled and closed the crate. The top had an opening for Sabertooth's neck so it appeared as if his head was resting on top of the crate. "I will now take this brave volunteer and amaze you all by sticking the crate full of sharp, pointy swords!"

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth yelped.

"Hey, this show's getting good," Remy snickered.

"AAARRRGGGHHH! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!" Sabertooth shouted.

"Aw, don't fret mate. I've seen this done a thousand times!" Pyro reached behind the crate and pulled out a formidable rack of swords. "I now take one of the highly dangerous swords like so..." He grinned picking one up. "And insert it into and through the crate like dough!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Sabertooth shrieked.

"I then do another, and another," Pyro did so.

"YAAAUUUGGGHHH!" Sabertooth screamed.

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped as Pyro continued to stick swords through the crate.

"Ouch," Remy winced at one particularly placed sword. "Sabes is definitely gonna feel **that** in the morning."

"FIREBUG YOU ARE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!" Sabertooth wailed. "AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

"There! All done!" Pyro shoved in the last sword and spun the crate around. "As you can see, all eighteen swords have been stuck in and passed clear through the crate!"

"THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING THEY'VE PASSED THROUGH! AAAGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth screamed.

"I now remove the swords from the crate," Pyro proceeded to yank out the swords.

"GAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!"

"And behold!" Pyro finished removing the swords and triumphantly opened the crate. "Sabes is completely whole and shows absolutely no signs of the swords having penetrated his body!"

"Gee, I wonder why," Remy quipped.

"Ohhh," Sabertooth whimpered and practically fell out of the crate. He slowly managed to crawl back to his seat. "That...hurt...ow..."

"And now for my next trick," Pyro grinned and shoved the crate away. "I need yet another volunteer!"

"He means victim...ouch!" Mastermind yelped jumping out of his seat.

"Yes! You!" Pyro pointed at him. "The short, ugly, dark haired bloke in the front row!"

"What?" Mastermind sputtered. "Wait, I didn't..."

"Yes you did," Remy smirked pocketing the picklock he had poked Mastermind with.

"Why you..." Mastermind glared at him.

"Right this way Masty!" Pyro came down and dragged Mastermind onto the stage. "Now, hold still!"

"Like I have a choice...ow!" Mastermind yelped as Pyro slapped a pair of handcuffs on him. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Shhh, stop struggling. You'll ruin the trick," Pyro finished shackling another pair of cuffs around Mastermind's ankles and skipped off stage. He came back wheeling a large, strange-looking glass tank. He shoved Mastermind into the tank and quickly locked it. "There, all set!"

"Hey! Let me out!" Mastermind shouted and banged on the glass.

"And now," Pyro waved and turned back toward the audience. "I will perform a feat of absolute marvel by making this bloke completely disappear!"

"Aw, do you have to?" Remy asked. "We were starting to get used to him."

"Are you ready? Watch closely!" Pyro gestured. "At the count of three, I will flood the tank and make the occupant completely disappear!"

"Flood?" Mastermind gulped. "You mean this is a water tank?"

"Of course not," Pyro scoffed. "This is a fire tank!"

"WHAT?!" Mastermind yelped.

"Oh yeah," Remy grinned. "Now this is what I call entertainment!"

"Are you sure this is safe?" Piotr asked nervously.

"Don't fret, mate. There are plenty of air holes," Pyro grinned taking a flamethrower off the side of the tank. He held it up to one of the air holes and took aim. "One...two..."

"LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!" Mastermind wailed.

"Three!" Pyro laughed and let loose the flames.

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Mastermind screamed as he was consumed in an inferno. Fire poured into the tank and blocked all sight of him.

"And there you have it!" Pyro smiled and withdrew the flames using his powers. He casually tossed the flamethrower aside. "Mastermind has completely disappeared! Ta da!"

"That's one way to put it," Remy blinked at the small pile of charred remains lying at bottom of the tank."

"Very...heart-stopping," Piotr gulped. "And now you are going to bring him back?"

"Bring him back?" Pyro blinked. "I've never heard of that trick before."

"Oh no," Piotr looked like he was going to be sick.

"Hmmm, Mags isn't gonna be happy about this," Remy noted. "Dibs on Mastermind's stuff!"

"Hold on. Wait just a second..." Sabertooth sniffed and punched the air in the empty chair next to him.

"Ow!" Mastermind yelped and reappeared in his seat. "Why did you have to do that?"

"Hey! There he is! He's back!" Pyro beamed and pointed. "Ta da!"

"Rats!" Remy snapped his fingers.

"Thank goodness," Piotr sighed in relief.

"Glad to see **somebody** here cares about me," Mastermind glared at Remy as he removed the charred remains illusion from the tank.

"Hey, easy come, easy go," Remy shrugged. "No hard feelings."

"More like no feelings," Mastermind grumbled.

"Anyway, let's get back to the show," Pyro wheeled the fire tank behind the large storage rack.

"Do we have to?" Sabertooth grunted.

"And now, prepare yourselves for not one, but two tricks!" Pyro came back on stage pushing a long, wooden table. "I need one more audience-provided volunteer!"

"Looks like it's your turn, Cajun," Sabertooth growled prodding Remy.

"Hope you get turned into a chicken or something," Mastermind snapped.

"Yeah, yeah," Remy brushed them aside and strode onto the stage. He stopped next to Pyro and eyed the table warily. "Now Pyro, does this trick involve any swords, knives, guns, bullets, live animals or **fire**?"

"Nope. None at all!" Pyro smiled.

"Good," Remy relaxed slightly. "So, what do you need me to do?"

"Just lie down on the table, Gambit," Pyro watched as Remy did so. "Great! Now, watch as I make the table and its occupant levitate before your very eyes!"

"Oh brother," Sabertooth rolled his eyes.

"For his own safety, I first strap the occupant in place," Pyro quickly did so.

"Oh sure, **now** he's concerned about safety," Mastermind muttered.

"Ouch! Hey, watch the hands!" Remy snapped as Pyro secured him to the table.

"And now I will make them both levitate!" Pyro waved his hands as the table rose several feet. "Ta da!"

"Wow. That is impressive," Piotr blinked at the sight.

"Not if you think about it," Sabertooth snorted.

"And now, for the second part of the trick," Pyro grinned as the table lowered back to the floor. "I will proceed to saw this brave bloke in half!"

"WHAT?!" Remy yelled as Pyro reached down and pulled out a large chainsaw. "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"

"Oh yeah," Sabertooth grinned. "Now things are **really** getting good!"

"AAAHHHHHH!" Remy screamed while struggling against his bonds. "HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

"No worries, mate. It will all be over in a second," Pyro fired up the chainsaw and revved it. "On the count of three! One...two..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Remy yelled.

"I can't watch!" Piotr covered his eyes.

"I can!" Sabertooth leaned forward eagerly. "Let him have it!"

BOOM!

"Ahhh!" Pyro reeled back as part of the table exploded and broke apart.

"GAAAHHHHHH! LET ME OUTTA HERE!" Remy crawled to his feet and frantically hopped off the stage while still bound to the broken table. He had managed to lightly charge a small section of the table in a desperate attempt to free himself.

"Hey! Come back Gambit!" Pyro shouted and chased after him with the chainsaw. "I haven't finished the trick yet!

"NEVER!" Remy screamed and hopped out of the room.

"Stop! You're wrecking the show!" Pyro yelled following him out.

"That is not all that is being wrecked!" Piotr shouted as Pyro accidentally carved out a large chunk of the doorframe. "Stop! Put down that chainsaw!" Piotr got up and ran after his teammates.

Sabertooth and Mastermind sat in silence for a minute. "Well, I guess that's the end of Pyro's magic show," Mastermind sighed. "What do we do now?"

"What else? Find a camera and record them acting like lunatics," Sabertooth grinned. "It will make great blackmail material!"

"Okay," Mastermind shrugged.

Meanwhile, Magneto was calmly sitting in his private office going over some paperwork when he heard shouts coming from the hallway. "Oh no. Not again!" He groaned and placed a hand to his head. "What are those idiotic fools doing now?" He reluctantly got up and opened the door.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Remy screamed hopping down the hallway still bound to the broken table pieces. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"COME ON GAMBIT!" Pyro ran after him brandishing the chainsaw. He still wore his cape and top hat. "TRUST ME! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!"

"Since when?" Piotr shouted trailing after them. "Pyro put that thing down right now! No, not there!"

VRUUUNNNNNN-NA-NA-NA-NA-NANNN!

CRUNCH!

"Alright! I'm getting some great shots with this!" Sabertooth and Mastermind followed behind wielding video cameras. "I tell ya this is the best magic trick I've ever seen!"

"I know what magic trick **I'd** like to see," Magneto groaned at the sight. "Making these idiots act orderly and sane!"

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.**


End file.
